Monday, January 4, 2016

Happy New Year

Well, it's finally here! The little one is back at school and the husband is back at work and I'm back at my computer desk...working. Sort of.

Kind of?

I did successfully take a nap earlier. So that's, um, something. Right?

I don't know about you but I find it SO HARD to get back into the routine after an extended absence. Especially when I've got a new book to start. I don't mean to procrastinate--and I really don't get much joy out of scrolling FB all day long, wasting time. But opening up that MS Word document and diving in all over again can seem so daunting.

It doesn't help that, of course, I've mentally set all these goals for myself. Like instead of just easing back in the groove I'm going to write 4,000 WORDS EVERY DAY THIS WEEK, damn it!! After all, I've seen all the big writers brag on Twitter already how many New Year words THEY'VE written. What's wrong with me?

Sometimes, when I'm not in the writing mood I convince myself that I'll never write again. That those 22 books were all just a fluke and I will never get back into the groove. It seems ridiculous to type it out--and maybe that's WHY I feel the need to do so. Because it IS ridiculous - but even knowing that in my head doesn't help when I feel this way.

I look back at my latest book, BREAK OF DAY, which I turned into my editor in early December. There was a point when I was tempted to turn it in without an ending cause I had NO IDEA how to end it. Yet now the ending seems so obvious and it seems crazy I would have ever felt that way. So I have to keep faith that at some point I will pass in this new book. And I will feel the same way.

Of course my distress is nothing compared to the pressure poor George RR Martin must be facing with Winds of Winter. I read his blog post on January 2nd about how the book is still not finished and it felt as if his words were literally bleeding on the page. The stress he must be under! All the fans begging him to finish before the new season starts! That kind of pressure can derail even the most prolific of writers. UGH.

But it's easy for me to give GRRM a pass. Take your time--we'll still be here when you're done! Harder to do so for myself. Every day I don't write I feel this horrible guilt. This pressure of deadline. This worry that I won't get what I need to do done.

But in my heart, I know I will. Maybe I won't get 4,000 words done today. Maybe I won't tomorrow either. But at some point this book will be finished. This book will be on store shelves. And I will be proud of it. And I won't even remember that there was a time that I sat blogging, wondering why I couldn't get myself to write.

Until I start the next book...


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